I’ve had a wonderful relationship for a while. What you notice if you have been working hard mentally and also been single for a while, what difference it can make if you are closer to your own core while also building a loving relationship with someone else.
I continually see old “obstacles” coming up, where my old beliefs and behaviors come up again. It also means that I can see how enormously I have grown over the years, in my personal piece but also in relationship with other people.
Where I used to be completely immersed in my fear of losing the other and at the same time the fear of them leaving and thus functioning in a kind of limbo forever, I make myself talk about it. I make room for myself by visiting my therapist after the first huge wave of thoughts and behaviors to give that piece a place and to continue in a healthy way in the relationship I was building, no matter which way we went from there on out.
I now discuss doubts about being too much, being too difficult, not being able to give enough or my feeling of confinement in monogamous relationships. Sometimes it’s easy, but usually with a precursor to negative thoughts that I shouldn’t take up so much space in a relationship. That I am selfish and ask way too much. It is extremely valuable to be able to tackle hurdles together and make everything negotiable. Including, what are warning signs that I am relapsing into old behavior?
My long-term relationships before were not bad relationships, as in that the persons were not bad. The blockage in this was that I made myself disappear and had no love for myself. I lived in fear and insecurity and built my whole world around them. As soon as it doesn’t work, your whole world will collapse.
Now I have a nice and occasionally giggly loving relationship with myself, and I also get to build it up with someone else. How valuable is that.