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My PTSD relivings were mainly linked to intimate situations but now it also wanders outside those situations. It’s one reason why I went back to my therapist for an intense, but good, appointment. My relivings also involve many doubts and uncertainties, that I talked about with a good friend who also experiences PTSD relivings. It made me feel less lonely and gave me reassurance that I’m not alone in my doubts and struggles. It’s why I wanted to share some of those doubts and uncertainties;
I can sometimes (partly) suppress my relivings. It means that I only have some small inconspicuous traits. This often means that it will come back more violently and / or longer at a later time, especially when I relax. It also meant that I sometimes “saved” it to undergo it in the a private space so that I wouldn’t be a burden to others. Fortunately that is something I no longer do.
I have no memories. I mainly have physical expressions with an overload of negative emotions. After the last appointment with my therapist, I have fanatical spasms and tics, without the negative charge, which is a gift in itself. The fact that you needed / need reminders for many EMDR therapies made me even more insecure and reinforced the feeling that it was just me.
I often feel my re-experiences coming. Sometimes this is very short in advance, for example when I relax and feel a wave of negativity coming and the signals arrive in my body. But beyond that, too, I have a number of steps before I am in to deep in reliving. And this is where that earlier piece also comes up. As soon as I feel this coming I can sometimes push it deeply down again (sometimes this is an unconscious process).
It is an aspect in my life that I have not discussed for a long time because I thought it was my own fault. Because I sometimes had control over my relivings, I had convinced myself that I made it up myself, and that I should solve it myself. But this is also a piece of protection mechanism from your own mind, even though it sometimes feels pretty ugly in what it tells me.
I think it gets out in a way, and as far as it can, when it’s safe enough for me to come out (not that it’s really all that save in the moments it comes. But maybe it’s saver then where I was before that…)