Last week I went to the gynecologist for the next steps towards my hysterectomy. Hysterectomy is the the doctor’s word for having my uterus and ovaries removed. A step that I have been wanting for a while, especially since beginning with testosterone, I suffer from cramps a lot, and more frequently.
Before I continue, I would like to take you through the process of when I still thought I was a woman. I have never had any wishes for children, I have a number of dear friends who have children, whom I love dearly, but I do not feel the need to live with a child or be a parent. And certainly not from my womb. Before transitioning, I was already looking at ways to get sterilized.
Why I’m telling this is that I want you to know that I really never wanted to have children. Well, a minimal wish to have children when I was 17, but that was because I was so depressed at the time that I hoped that a child would make me happy. So it’s nice that I didn’t get pregnant then because that is actually quite selfish and it doesn’t work.
But for a moment, as I lay in the chair at the gynecologist, staring at my apparently flexible uterus, holding my partners hand in my hand, I felt a bit of sadness about the conscious choice of lost possibilities. In a few months I am sure that I will never push a child out of my body, and even though I never had that wish, there was always a possibility.
I think it is a bit of mourning and goodbye to my old self, to the person I used to think I was, but also being very unhappy. I really don’t want to go back to that and was kinda shocked by the feeling in the chair. But I think that sadness can be a part of it, it’s a sort of goodbye. For me it is part of my transition. Goodbye to my old me, and as a friend of mine said, the next steps in the birth of the real me.