Who am I to say, I can’t do this alone?

“If it is difficult you can ask for help, right? You don’t have to go to appointments alone .. it is often better selfcare to go together!”; advice that I often give, and at the moment follow better then ever, but there is always a part in me that keeps thinking “no, I have to be able to do this alone. I am independent and mature, I have to be able to do this ”

I have learned that asking for help is a form of standing up for yourself. And sometimes asking for help is in the form of not rejecting help. Last week I had to go to the gynecologist for an operation for my transition. I found this nervewrecking on several levels, but I thought I am finishing the help with my mental health caregiver and everyone else is super busy.

This is pure nonsense because I know that friends, family and my caregiver, if they can, want to make room for me if I need it. Now I have to say that corona mainly threw a hitch in my head. Maybe I would have asked for help earlier, but I know they’d rather you’d come to the hospital alone. And then the thought “someone else is more important than I am” comes up fast and obstrusive. Because who am I to say, I can’t do this alone. What will they think of me?

A form of standing up for myself was also the way I did it. My partner eventually went with me and suggested calling in advance. But I know that it is very easy for me to abandon my intention on the phone. I always “read” too much in people’s tone and quickly feel a burden. The moment I see someone I can more easily be vulnerable, be honest about how I feel, but also gauge how they deal with this. So in the end I decided to ask step by step in the hospital if my partner could come with me, with a short explanation as to why.

In the end, it could be taken into account that my partner was with me and my visit was a lot more bearable and, above all, less lonely. Having someone hold your hand and not judge your nerves can make a world of difference.

#ptsd #mentalhealthawareness #transgender #transition #mentalhealth #corona

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